Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
