Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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