My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
