I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
