I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
