You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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