I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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