I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
