I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
