I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She needs sedatives and a leash
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
