i love accidental penises.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
