I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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