I wish my penis had an off switch
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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