we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
