if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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