I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
