Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
