If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
