I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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