Don't make out with my wife yet
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
