Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
