eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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