We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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