there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
