The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
