I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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