I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
