that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
