I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
