apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
