Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
