oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
