We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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