Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
