I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
