my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
