I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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