The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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