On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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