Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
