Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
foreskin is a definite game changer
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
