u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
