Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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