After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
