its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I deserve this hangover.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
