This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
