Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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