Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
