i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
