I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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