pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
