Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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